Updated since a looong time ago.

September 15, 2009 1700

Well, here goes nothing.  I was told I should start journaling again.  Why? Because I can’t let it out to other people.  I need a place to let things out, where I can be myself… where I can find myself.  It’s not that I don’t know myself, but I don’t think I’ve really been myself.  I love who I am and I love what I do, but have I been true to myself?  I sometimes feel ashamed of who I am.  Not ashamed of what I’ve become, but me on the outside.  I don’t like when people look at me and they’re not pleased.  Somebody told me recently that I try too hard to please people.  I do, but I like for people to be happy, and I sometimes forego my own happiness in the process.  I’ll sacrifice my time and other commitments to make people happy.  But I also get very selfish at times.  I was supposed to have lunch with mom this past Sunday, but I was too hungover and tired to go.  But I did have a great day and night on Saturday.  I went to the UGA game, where Georgia won.  I also got into a fight with about 40 other people.  Biggest brawl of all time.  And above all that, Annette was there.  Me, her, Jenny, and Leanne went out and enjoyed Athens to its fullest.  Afterwards, I was too drunk to drive, so I went home with Annette.  Nothing happened, but I did sleep in her bed with her and we talked till about 430 in the morning.  Now what sucks is that the next day, I texted her but I didn’t get a text back; no message, nothing.  I felt insignificant and that I screwed up somehow.  A great night turned into a horrible next day.  Jenny told me not to worry about it.  I thought it had to do with the age thing.  She’s 28, I’m 23.  She has two children, 9 and 5.  I don’t mind the children, I really don’t.  I think it’s nice.  But Danny had told me that I need to grow up first.  That going into a relationship with somebody with two children is a great responsibility.  It would be like an instant family.  I really think I could do it, but children aren’t something to think you can do.  I’m stable enough in where I’m at, what I do, and in my life that I feel like I could take on the responsibility, but in about a year, more like two.  Annette is a great girl, at least from what I can tell.  To be a single mother, working, and going to OT school is quite the accomplishment.  Anyway, she could be out of my league, but it’s still something worse pursuing to me.  Give it a shot at least, right?

February 16, 2010.

It’s been a while since I wrote that last one, but I’ve been writing some in my Bible journal.  Ok, I am neither with Jenny or Annette, thank God.  I’m actually dating Haley.  I met her a few years back in Kennesaw.  We met at a college group thing. We really hit it off great as friends.  Unfortunately, I was interested in her friend.  She’s not second place to her, just a second thought.  Haley is amazing.  She is somebody I tell most anything to.  And she tells me most things too.  But what makes Haley very beautiful is her love of God. It makes me strive harder so that I may be a spiritual leader in our relationship.  But having that aside, we’re both just two people with a few problems starting out in a relationship. 

February 17, 2010

Well, here it goes again.  I’ve taken some ambient, so if this doesn’t sound quite right, forgive me.  I’m just ranting on.  I’m hoping this journal will be a little bit more open than my last one.  I exempted some things on it so I could save face in case anything happened to me ie. Suicide.  But this one, if it’s read, well then you’ve come across this by accident or I’ve let you into my life.

Let me start with topic one.  I will not have sex with Haley before we’re married, of course if we ever make it that far.  Thus, I’ve resorted to online porn and masturbation.  Here’s the thing, I don’t see it as quite that bad of a thing to do.  Masturbation is fine, but online porn is another.  I know it’s a sin because it’s lusting and it corrupts the mind, but tell me if you can masturbate without some person or image in your head.  Your mind is making the porn for you.  Hopefully I won’t need it anymore once I’m married, but that could be quite a ways away.

Second; I had Jenny come over tonight and watch a movie.  We watched the Invention of Lying.  Good movie, it was funny, we laughed.  After the movie, we watched some Olympics and then she went home.  A very innocent meeting.  It could be perceived differently though.  If somebody were watching my house and saw her car pull up there for a few hours and then leave, what would the assumptions be?  I could care less about what they think, just as long as everything inside was good clean fun.  Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t had sex in a few months and I would have liked to jump on Jenny, but I have morals and values and character.  I will not cheat on Haley.  Plain and simple.  I think that will be harder based on the fact that I won’t be having sex for at least another couple years.  What worried me was that we were talking the other day and she told me she was worried.  Worried about what? Worried about not making until marriage to have sex.  I felt defeated.  I might as well raise my white flag and give up.  If she doesn’t think she can do it, how I can I pull myself together to keep us both clean and pure in this relationship?  I’m really hoping to get very close to God so I can pray my way out of those situations.  I told Jaime, I can’t do that to somebody else.  To take somebody’s virginity is huge.  Haley doesn’t understand it, but one day, after marriage, she will.

Third, I get bored on my days off.  I eat, play online games, drink, watch tv, watch porn, and take my medicines in hope of making something more interesting.  I have too much free time.  I need something to do. A hobby? Something cheap though. This ski trip I’m about to go on is burning me dry.  I’m sleepy.  Goodnight.

February 17, 2010 0315

I’m playing CoDMW2 right now.  Passing the time between games by doing lunges to get my legs in shape for the ski trip.  I talked to Haley tonight.  What was said kind of worried me.  I said she was a bad girl in disguise because she was teasing me.  She said she’s not disguising anything, just restraining it a little.  But basically, it’s like she was saying she’s got a lot of sexual tension built up.  I know it doesn’t seem like it from what I’m writing here, but there is.  It’s a bad thing.  I like Haley.  This may seem strange, but I’m not infatuated with her like my past girlfriends.  I’m hoping that’s a good thing because obviously, none of my past girlfriends have worked out.  But, what it is, she enthralls me.  We can make great conversation; I’m physically attracted to her; she’s following hard after Christ’s heart, she has a big heart; her family is great.  I don’t know what else I can say about her.  She is quite amazing.  So what’s my holdup?  Well, I really don’t have much of one.  I’m just trying to figure things out for myself.  It’s great that this is somewhat of a long distance sort of thing.  We can take things slowly.  We can talk on the phone.  We can focus on our lives.  You, know, not really dive head first into this relationship.  It allows us to savor the moments we do have together.  Well, if you ask me that can cause some problems.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Well, what if we just get so caught up in the moment of not seeing each other?  People doubt me in the statement that I want to wait until marriage with Haley to have sex.  Understandably so seeing as how I’ve had sex before, with multiple people, multiple times.  So Haley has held out a lifetime so far, but she also doesn’t know what she’s missing.  For me, it’s just been a few months.  That really sucks because I’ve got a couple years left I’m sure.  I repeat again, I will not take somebody’s virginity before marriage again.  It changes a person.  The bad thing I’ve said in my head is, “I’ll cheat on her before I sleep with her before marriage.”  But I’m not a cheater either.  Why is this such an issue?  I’m not even wanting to sleep with her right now.  Gah! I’m over this topic right now.

I’m watching the winter Olympics right now.  Is it bad that I think it’s fun to watch the crashes?  There have been some bad ones too.  I don’t’ want them to be hurt, I just like the crashes, kind of like nascar.

I really don’t have much else to talk about right now. Oh, well maybe I do.  I want to travel.  I want to see the world.  I want to be a travel nurse.  I want to move to Korea and see my heritage.  I just don’t want to leave the ER here.  I enjoy what I’m doing here.  I love the people I work with.  We have a great morale.  You don’t find that everywhere you work.  I also don’t want to be stuck in Gainesville my entire life.  So that begs to ask the questions, where do I want to end up for the rest of my life?  I’m not used to settling down in one place for more than a few years at a time.  That’s what happens when you’re a military brat.  I still have a big part of me that wants to join the military.  Army Reserves? Allows me to join with an associate’s degree.  But I would rather be in the Air Force.  They treat their people better, but I need a bachelor’s degree.  I’m not really wanting to go back to school right now.  I enjoy life as it is.  I will get my bachelor’s degree, but when?  The longer I wait, the less I want to go back.  I just need to do it.  I just know that it’s a Bull sh*t degree.  I’ve passed my nursing boards, I’m a practicing nurse.  I don’t want to be a manager.  I told myself as a kid that I would rather shoot myself than sit behind a desk.  Now being a charge nurse of a 100 bed ER such as where I work now, that holds a lot more weight in my books.  I just know that I’ve a good many more years ahead of me before that happens.

Ok, so I’m texting a girl right now.  Any interest? No, none whatsoever.  But, we had a relationship, if that’s what you want to call it.  I was interested in her friend at first.  I met her at the lake.  A bunch of friends were hanging out and I ended up getting her number.  I was drunk, she was hot (really hot), I was newly single.  Whatever, I’m young.  What else would you expect a guy to do?  Well, she wasn’t entirely interested in me.  No big deal.  She’s older than me and she’s got two kids and she wasn’t even completely divorced yet.  Well, after a football game, she ended up not waiting for me at her friend’s house.  So I ended up hanging out with her friend, and somehow, we ended up sleeping together that night.  I wasn’t too happy about that honestly.  But things progressed from there.  Basically, she was a fuck buddy.  I’m not proud to admit that.  She doesn’t know it.  She’s a lot of fun to talk to and hang out with, and btw, she’s a mom and her girls are great.  She’s a widow.  But she ended up getting all psycho bitch on me and I had to stop seeing her pretty much cold turkey.  Then I ended up talking to Haley.  Oh, that’s an interesting story in and of itself.  You see, I had taken an Ambien that night.  I don’t remember much of anything if anything at all, and I do weird things. Well, I had gotten on Facebook and I wrote on her wall that we need to get some good sushi again soon.  The last thing we did together was eat sushi in the afternoon after drinking and hanging out that night.  We had a great time then.  We hung out a lot that summer.  Conversation then was great and we really enjoyed each other’s company.  We just kind of fell apart after that summer.  She went off to school and I went to school.  Actually, I was interested in her friend at first too but her friend had just started a relationship with this guy.  Haley is definitely not second best though.  Anyway, Haley had responded to my wall post.  I thought it was a really weird post because I had no idea what propagated it.  Well, one thing led to another and one date led to another.  First date, January 2^nd, 2010.  At least, that’s the official date.  We had a great time.  I brought flowers that honestly weren’t meant for her.  She loved them.  Her mom seemed impressed.  She even seemed like she felt like they were over the top.  I had to get rid of the flowers.  I had bought them for Quinn because I was trying to make up to her for being such a crappy friend since graduation.  I was going to go visit her at work and let it hang out at the nurses station, but I was denied.  She thought it was too weird because we hadn’t talked in such a long time and she thought I had ulterior motives.  Like I had something to talk about. I don’t know what she could possibility think I have to talk to her about.  (I just took an ambien and it’s kicking in so sorry if things are confusing… well more so now than before.  I miss Quinn.  She was my best friend in college.  I was interested in her friend too.  Man, I’m just a horny kid.  Well, her friend is married and just gave birth to a little boy recently.  I do miss Quinn.  She was somebody I talk to about anything.  Now she won’t even give a greeting.  I tried texting her.  No text back.  Facebook has been a feeble attempt to contact her.  Oh well, we’ll come together again I’m sure.  You can’t just leave one of your good friends.  The reason why I backed off was because Jaime could talk to her and have a female to talk to.  I didn’t want to add my stuff in there and make things murky.  Jaime really needed somebody to talk to in order to help her get through what had happened between us.  Ok, that discusses where the flowers came from.

We had a great night that night.  Sushi was the best in the world.  We ended up going back to Monica’s apt and watched a movie then some tv.  It was getting late.  She knew she had better be leaving to go home, but she didn’t and I didn’t want her to.  So we cuddled and slept together on the couch.  When she finally got her phone, which was on silent, she had several missed calls and voicemails.  Oops, she screwed up.  It wasn’t so bad.  We went over in the morning to try to smooth things out.  I started things out first by trying to take all the blame.  I figured that since I wasn’t part of the family, she couldn’t anything to me.  Well, she said Haley is a grown woman and she should’ve made a good decision by coming home on time of calling her mom letting her know that she wasn’t going to be home that night.  It was rough when I was there, but it smoothed itself out.  I told her that if something like that were to happen again, I would give her my number.  I gave her my driver’s license number, my car make and model and year, and my tag.  I told her where I work and what that number is.  I think that impressed her and things kind of cooled down.  Besides not wanting to sleep with her before marriage, I don’t want to lead her down this road and her fall in love with me and then it all come down.  Not saying it would, but I’m just scared that it will.  I don’t want to break another girl’s heart.  I hurts me too.  So I’m treading lightly until I know with more certainty things will go better.

I think I need to go now.  It’s hard for me to make complete sentences.

3/22/10 0730

Well, things have passed. Me and Haley are officially dating in a relationship.  She’s great.  There’s no denying that.  Things are definitely great when I’m with her.  When I’m not with her, I have doubts.  My mind wanders and wonders.  I’m not a cheater.  I keep saying that.  Maybe I’m trying to convince myself.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have not done anything wrong.  The thing is, I’ve been meeting new people that seem appealing.  I know that it’s the devil putting things in my path to lead me astray.  To be honest with you, (whoever “you” are), I’m horny.  Haley and I haven’t done as much as kiss.  We’ve kissed on the cheek and forehead, but nothing too terribly intimate.  I made a commitment and promise to her that I would not kiss her until new years.  A whole year of keeping ourselves pure.  This is more of a keeping of myself pure. I want to know I can do it. I’m finding it difficult though with my thoughts being unclean. I lust after Haley.  That’s a good thing.. if we were married.  I’m listening to sermons called “the Peasant Princess” by Mark Driscoll at Mars Hill Church.  It’s an amazing series that discuss dating and relationship and then marriage.  12 episodes of this stuff, and it’s been amazing.  I’m learning a lot.  Learning a lot about myself.  How to please your spouse by finding out what she likes, take a note, and try to make it come true.  Communication is a two way street.  She talks, I listen.  That can be applied on several different aspects like what they want to do for that day, or it can be applied to the bedroom, or apply to future dreams.  But I don’t want to get to the Bible part of this right now.  I need to get some stuff off my chest so I can feel a little better.  I lust after Haley… and I lust after other women.  On both sides of that, I will not take my lustful feelings in the open and act upon them.  I’m just trying to say that I would like to.  So what does that mean for me? I’ve been watching porn and masturbating.  That in itself is sinful, but it helps me prevent really wanting to carry out these lustful thoughts.  At least that’s my excuse.  I met this girl who’s got a 2 year old girl.  She’s cute. She’s a nurse.  I know she’s smart and has visions and goals.  I know Haley has visions and goals too, but will they align with my goals?  I don’t want to drag her into the military life if that’s not what she wants to do.  I don’t even know if I’ll be going into the military or if I can.  I don’t want to settle and I definitely don’t want her to settle with me if that’s not what she wants.  She’s the outdoors type girl.  She enjoys that stuff a lot more than I do.  I do enjoy it, but will our personalities match?  I know she will make a good mother and a wife I could see myself with her.  So what’s the problem you ask?  I don’t know.  I feel like I’m still looking for “The One” to come along. How do you know that the person you’re with is the one you’re going to marry?  Am I getting cold feet because I’m aware that Haley could be the one I’m going to marry?  Or am I getting cold feet because Haley could possibly not be the one I’m going to marry?  I’m worried about infidelity.  Like I said, I’m not a cheater, but I said before, I’m horny and I’ve got needs.  Maybe we should elope so we can get the sex out of the way ;).  Jk.  I just want to know what the future holds for me so I can make the decisions now.  But what kind of life would that be?  To know the future would be a lie to the people around you.  You not telling what you know and what you’re feeling to your spouse, is lying.  Your spouse should know what’s going on in your mind.  How can I tell Haley these things?

I already feel like Haley doesn’t trust me.  She texts me asking me what I’m doing.  I tell her I’m watching a movie.  She asks if I’m watching with somebody else.  No, I’m not watching a movie with somebody.  Is she already skeptical that I’m a cheater? 

I don’t want this relationship to be based on lack of trust.  I need to find an accountability partner to ensure there’s nothing here for me not to be trusted.  To admit to my sins with my lips, repent with my heart, and changing my mind to prevent me from doing it again. 

About two weeks ago, I spent the weekend in Kennesaw.  We didn’t really plan it, but we ended up sleeping the same bed twice.  I was great.  Nothing happened.  We were totally PG.  Now here’s the problem with that.  I would be more than happy to sleep on the pullout couch and ensure purity.  I really want to do this right.  I don’t want us to get comfortably in bed together.  It leads us down the wrong road.  I wasn’t happy about that spiritually, but I didn’t say anything because physically I really did want to.  I can trust myself at this point in time while trusting her.  But time gets us comfortable.  I’m all too familiar with that.  That’s where the downfall was in the relationship with me and Jaime.

I thought of a pet name for Haley.  I’m going to save it until I know for sure she will be my wife.  It’s dove.  Doves are the birds of love.  They have one mate for life. They are beautiful.  I think I should leave this at that.  Goodnight. 0857

3/26/10 0544

I want to make a difference.  That’s how I want to open this entry.  I think that’s why I want to join the military.  I think that’s why I’m a nurse.  I want to make a difference in people’s lives.  I want to save a life.  I want to bring a man back from the grasp of death.  I know I make a difference in what I do now, but I want the satisfaction of approval.  Not even approval from the pt or the family.  Approval from myself.  I have something to prove to myself.  When I went through the shit that I did when I was younger, I came out of that on my own and I promised myself I wouldn’t be a deadbeat doing the same thing every day.  I promised myself I wouldn’t sit behind a desk.  Now, I’m not doing the same thing every day nor do I sit behind a desk, but I still feel like I have something to prove.  I wonder what that’s all about.  I think that’s why I move around so much.  I don’t like to get sedentary in what I do.  I think that’s why I like traumas so much.  We don’t get a lot of them and it’s something new.  Plus, you know you’re making a difference.  I guess my anti-sedentary feeling also led me to this relief charge nurse position on 4east.  It’s something different, but I want to recognition.  No, I don’t actively seek out attention, although I have recognized that I do look for the attention in a group trying to control conversation.  I remember learning what that is in psychology, but I don’t remember what it is.  Despite that, it drives me to ask the question of why?  Why do I seek attention inadvertently?  I was once told that I’m a people pleaser.  Yes I am.  I want people to be happy.  But I was also once told that the pendulum has to swing both ways.  I have to take care of myself too.  And that raises another question: how?  What do I need to do to make myself happy?  I’m talking to Jenny right now about sex and how I’m not even kissing Haley right now.  She said that I’m full of shit that I’m doing this for myself.  I told her I feel convicted and that’s why I’m not sleeping with Haley, or anybody for that matter.  The want is there, don’t get me wrong.  I want to have sex.  I want to be intimate with somebody, but there are other ways to be intimate with somebody besides sex.  But I have to show self control.  I have to be better than the average guy.  Like, there’s this new girl at work.  She’s got a 2 year old girl.  The new girl is a brunette, cute, smart, a nurse, a guaranteed professional future.  The appealing thing about dating a nurse is the ease of moving.  You know you can get a job almost anywhere together.  I think about these sorts of things.  I don’t know that I can get a job with Haley anywhere.  I don’t know if she’s into the same things I’m into.  It worries me.  I saw Michael and Cathy, a married couple, go on a ski trip together.  Cathy doesn’t like to ski.  She would just sit and read a book, do work, or go shopping.  I don’t want that sort of marriage.  I want to be able to do things together with my wife that she likes to do with me.  I don’t know if Haley is into the adrenaline stuff.  I like to cliff jump, sky dive, ski, go fast.  She’s great, but are we really compatible?  Will she bring me down?  Am I changing my lifestyle to fit my relationship?  Am I just scared?  Why do I have these doubts?  I’m thinking too much. 

3/27/10 0336

Weird day, I had dinner with Haley at her house.  She made chicken Marsala and roasted sweet potatoes.  It wasn’t bad; it needed more Marsala sauce.  But besides that, it was weird.  The air in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife.  I like Haley, I really do.  But is this something that could develop into love?  I think things were a little weird between us because of me.  I knew what I was thinking; she did not.  She could sense a little hesitation.  She made me tell her I like her before I left.  I didn’t lie when I said I did, but is there anything beyond that?  I think Jenny just put so much doubt in my head when she said, “Honey, y’all are just friends.”  It got me thinking, maybe we are just friends.  We don’t kiss, we don’t touch sexually.  We cuddle, but I’ve cuddled with many girl friends in the past.  Now here’s the tough part, do I tell Haley about how I feel right now, or do I wait and hope it passes?  It’s tough because I want it to work.  Why wouldn’t I?  Analytically speaking, I’ve invested a good amount of time and money into this relationship.  I’ve asked myself several times if I think she would make a good wife and mother.  The answer is undoubtedly yes.  But I should specify the question.  Would she make a good wife for me and a good mother for my children?  Temet dosce.  “know theyself.”  I’m watching the Matrix while I type this.  My favorite movie.  I’ve seen it 30 plus times I’m sure.  I don’t know if I do know myself.  Maybe that’s my problem.  I need to figure out who I am first before I can figure out the girl I want to marry.  I almost married Jaime.  Financially speaking, it would’ve been a good decision.  But I’m not sure how happy we both would’ve been.  She was crazy due to hormones, I was wanting more.  I think that’s why I slept with that other girl while we were on a break.  I wanted something more.  Something else perhaps.  It’s not that I didn’t love Jaime.  I did.  She was great.  But what was I to do?  I didn’t feel like the relationship was going anywhere.  Well, I was going in the direction of marriage, but it was going that way extremely too fast.  Maybe it’s a good thing it ended when it did.  If I may speak like a guy for a minute, she was a very nice piece of ass.  But a relationship is more than just sex.  It’s about communication and getting to know each other every day.  Being unselfish and thinking about your spouse.  At least, that’s what I think a relationship is supposed to be.  What do I know?  I’m still young and naïve.

Anyway, I’m supposed to go golfing with Jordan at 0900.  I should get some sleep.  After golf I’m supposed to help Haley’s dad move.  I don’t really want to.  Call me lazy, or maybe I just don’t want to spend time with Haley.  That sounds really crappy of me, me not wanting to spend time with my own girlfriend.  I do, except maybe less.  I hate to say it, but do I need to start thinking about breaking up with her?  It’s not a Godly relationship.  Right now, I don’t even want a Godly relationship.  I just want a mindless fuck.  I want sex.  Is that why I’m not working at this relationship right now?  Am I so incapable of going just a few months without kissing? Without sex?  I’m pitiful.  I should be bigger and stronger than this.  Haley would never give in and I’m not going to ask her or put her in that situation.  I will not defile another of God’s creation for my own personal gain.  Maybe that’s why enjoy working so much.  Because it keeps my mind off these sorts of things.  Well, it’s time for sleep.  I gotta be up in 4 hours.  0430

3/28/10 0358

Well fuck… that is exactly what I’m thinking.  I didn’t see Haley today at all.  I didn’t help her move.  I barely talked to her.  It’s heartbreaking for me, really.  I don’t like things to be awry.  I want this to work, but is my heart really in it?  I think she can sense something is wrong.  How could she not?  I’m a wreck.  I don’t deserve her.  I’m looking people up on facebook and imagining myself with them.   That’s not how a relationship should be.  I disgust myself.  I claim that I’m a Christian, that I work at being a Godly man.  Instead, I’m only a man.  I know I am fallible, but I never imagined I would pull people down like this.  Am I still just doubtful because of what Jenny said, or am I quickly coming to the painful realization that this won’t work out? I just want to self-medicate and sleep right now.  I have having this heavy feeling.

On a lighter side, Jacqie got a DUI last night.  She went to jail.  I think that’s kind of funny, although I think drinking and driving is a horrible offense.

Golf went well today.  We had a guy join us because the club put him with us.  He was a decent guy until he started not playing so well.  The he started to cuss and throw stuff around.  Me and Jordan were just there for fun and to hang out.  He kind of ruined it for us.  Oh well, such is life.

From the back of your big brown eyes, I knew you’d be gone as soon as you could. And I hoped you would. We could see that you weren’t yourself.  And the lines on your face did tell. It’s just as well.  You’d never be yourself again.  Saw you last night.  Danced by the light of the moon.  Stars in your eyes free from the life that you knew.

You’re the magic that holds the sky up from the ground.  You’re the breath that blows these cool winds round.  Trading places with an angel now.  Saw you last night; danced by the light of the moon.  Stars in your; free from the life that you knew.  Saw you last night; stars in the sky smiled down in my room.

I think that song is for me.  I don’t want to stick around for all this shit.  I want something more exciting.  Maybe I am meant to fuck and move on.  Find out how I can incorporate my lifestyle of nursing into something like that.  Like I’ve said in  previous statement, I want to die in a fiery crash.  Not that I’m planning anything soon.  I am by no means suicidal.  My greatest fear about that statement is actually me doing the thing I love most: nursing.”  Then somebody cries lawsuit on me.  It makes me want to spit in their eye.  Why are people trying to get a quick buck by ruining somebody else’s life.  I at least hope this new bill that came out will allow ER to not worry so much about customer care, but lord knows I’m going to become a jaded old monkey.

3/29/2010  0720

Umm, I’m my own person now.  A little more eclective… I see and head people when I have heavy doses of ambient.  I think it’s a part of me that’s been repressed trying to get it’s turn.  It seems that a lot of the people I know are people I already know.  Quite comforting  I just don’t know that these extra people are bad.  Some are doing their own thing by shopping. 

I don’t know what’s going on right now.  Haley asked me today if she should start looking for jobs her in the Gaineville area after her summer camp is done.  I don’t her what I would’ve told any of my friends.  Don’t base your decision on a guy, base it off the life you want to have.  I guess essentially I need to tell her how I feel plain and simple.  I don’t want any mixed signals.  I like her, but I’m not prepared to live a life with her.  I thought I was.  I’ve said this many times before, she’s a great girl.  I’m lucky to have been able to spend this much time with her.  But we can’t have the brother sister relationship.  And we can’t have a sexually relationship.  We’re stuck between the Id and the SuperID.  I’m not going to pressure her into anything.  I’d rather cheat on her to protect her morals than to lead us both down that road.  

0955 ish.  I think I screwed up.  Took too much ambien and we found ourselves kln ..mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm                                                    mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm          mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.m,mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,

3/31/2010 0223

I told Haley tonight that I’m doubtful and scared.  She said she is too, but I don’t think she understands that I’m doubtful and scared because I’m thinking about breaking up with her.  I think she senses it, but she just doesn’t want to say it.  She got her roommate to text me and tell me to talk to her.  Well, she didn’t get her roommate to do it, she did it on her own because I think she was bugging her about me not talking to her.  The way somebody put it to me was, I don’t want to talk to her because I respect her and I don’t want to hurt her.  Breaking up is the hardest thing to do.

I don’t’ know if I talked about this, but there’s a girl at work.  She’s not influencing my decision about anything.  I barely even know her, but if I’m looking at other girls, then what am I doing with Haley?  It shouldn’t be that way.  I’m going to go to sleep before I take anymore Ambien.  I think I took 10 last night.  WTF?! I just took two.  Maybe I just don’t like being in my own mind and not having to deal with reality.  I was thinking tonight that I want to go back to work.  When I have this week off, I get bored and I think too much.  I was also thinking about buying an exercise program because I don’t go to the gym anyway.  I just need to actually do something.  Maybe I’ll go to the gym tomorrow.  I always say that, but don’t actually do it.  I need an outlet.  Goodnight.

4/13/2010 0701

Let me start by saying me and Haley are officially done.  We both came to the conclusion that we’re better friends than anything else.  She actually called me and broke up with me.  But it was coming.  I had apologized on the phone because I said I’m sorry I didn’t man up and do it sooner.  But it’s all good.  Still friends the way it should be.  I think it’s best we didn’t kiss.  It makes it easier to be just friends.

And let me go on by saying, I’m talking to a girl from work.  It’s not that simple.  It never is.  As if we didn’t have this problem before, she’s got a 2 year old little girl.  Beautiful really.  But that’s not the problem.  I don’t mind a kid in the picture.  Especially since I want one of my own.  Mayara (Monica’s gf) told me to be careful not to get attached to the little girl.  I’m aware of that.  But I’m pretty sure I can distinguish my feelings between others.  Anyway, this girl’s name is Deanna.  She’s 28, has a two year old, and is a nurse.  She said she got pregnant by her baby’s daddy and she wanted to love him but she couldn’t.  He lived with her up until recently.  She said he was verbally and physically abusive.  So this is where it gets complicated.  Am I a rebound? Is she a rebound? Well, I don’t think she’s a rebound for me.  I was actually interested in her while dating Haley, which is one of the reasons why I think it never would have worked with Haley.  I was interested in somebody else.  But as far as Deanna goes? I don’t know.  I told somebody that when we work together we end up finding each other and going over and talking to each other.  She’s a lot of fun to talk to.  She’s more of what I go for physically speaking too, unlike Haley.  Once again, don’t get me wrong.  Haley is cute.  But she’s blonde.  Anyway, Deanna and me have been texted for the past couple days and talking of Facebook.  I think I’ll be going over to her house sometime soon to paint and do some other stuff for her.  It’s really just an excuse to get to know her better.  I’ve asked her out.  She said whenever she’s off and can get a baby sitter we’ll go out.  Once again, I hate dating.  It costs too much.  But she seems very laid back and won’t mind just doing simple things.  She said she loves the sun, so some stuff outdoors should be fine. 

4/13/10 1705

Just got off the phone with Deanna.  She called me, twice.  The first time she called me it was so I could get on her Facebook account and disable it.  A weird request, but she said her ex cancelled the internet since it was in his name and he was stalking her on facebook. 

4/18/10 0125

Sorry, I must’ve gotten distracted a few days back.  It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long though.  Well, long story short, it seemed weird, surprising really, that Deanna trusted me enough to go on her Facebook to deactivate it temporarily.  My question is what does she think of me?  I know she’s got a lot going on with her ex and everything else, but it’d be nice to have some idea of what’s going on.  She texts me occasionally.  She chats a lot with me at work.  She entrusts me with a lot of personal information.  We had lunch together at work the other night.  It just seems weird.  I don’t want to be just a good guy friend.  I wouldn’t mind it.  Well I would actually.  I don’t want anything just yet.  She just got out of a relationship and that’s just bad news bears.  So just friends right now wouldn’t be bad at all.  I’m waiting for an invitation of some sort.  She asked me if I could paint some of her house for her.  I agreed, now I’m just waiting to go over.  We have a date set for Wednesday to go to the Braves game together.  She’s bringing her daughter.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing.  We discussed previously how she wouldn’t let a guy she’s dating meet her daughter until she was sure about him and could trust him.  Does that mean she trusts me, or just sees me as a friend?  Oh well, I can’t dwell on it.  I just need to take this day by day.

In other news, I started Insanity today.  It was just the fitness test today, but it kicked my butt.  I’m shaking.  Afterwards, I was dizzy and nauseated.  We’ll see how it goes.  I want to see how I look in 60 days when I’m done.  I want to rest tomorrow, but I need to keep at it.  Keep my cardio up and get some muscle tone.  I went grocery shopping today.  Slightly changing my diet.  I bought $100 worth of food today.  I shouldn’t go shopping when I’m so hungry next time.  But, I’m hoping to eat a little healthier now.  I bought a George Foreman grill the other day too.  Hopefully it will all come together to get me healthier.  I’m out of things to say.  Later.

4/18/10 0536

I’m back, for the sole reason that I’ve had some Ambien and alcohol.  It makes me type better.  Freedom of thought.  I don’t type very well on this though.  I want to go to sleep.  For in sleep, we live in a world entirely of our own. Plus it’s just a little bit closer to being able to see Deanna.

4/19/10 0428

I really need to stop doing stuff on ambien.  I never remember.  Anyway, work tonight was pretty good.  I worked with Jennifer.  She’s a lot of fun to work with.  She works a very similar schedule to mine, so we’ll work a lot together.  Deanna worked tonight too.  We missed having lunch together.  She did text me though and told me she was headed to lunch but we missed having lunch together.  She did come and talk to me and I eventually worked in her area.  She texted me when I got off and asked if she could pay for her ticket.  I told her, “What ever happened to chivalry and letting the guy pay?” She just said ok.  Her main concern really seemed to be about his daughter Mackinley going to the game with us.  I told her I really didn’t mind.  So I do believe she’ll be going with us.  The only person at work that knows about us is Holly.  I entrust her with this information because we go way back.  She tells me about her guy stuff; I tell her about my girl stuff.  Deanna works again tomorrow.  We’ll see how it goes.

I’m supposed to do the second day of Insanity.  I’m a little reluctant, but I’ll do it.  It’s just a matter of getting my mindset in it.  It’s tough, but I’ll get through it.  It’s for my health.  I didn’t eat very healthy today.  It’s hard when you work and they serve junk in the cafeteria. 

5/4/2010 0058

Hmm, I’m on ambien.  Lemme preface this by saying that.  I got laid 2 nights ago by and old friend.  She was my last months before, she was this go round too.  I don’t know if it’s something to be ashamed of.  She’s nice, just I can’t see her being the mother of my children.  I don’t want something to mess up and she get pregnant.  God forbid something like that happen.  I like Deanna… still.  What can’t I get over her?! She’s great.  She’s smart, funny, driven.  She also has some issues going on.  Being me, I like to try to fix things.  As funny as that may be, I don’t know.  I kind of like chaos in my life.  Sometimes I imagine my car flipping over in a ditch not because of me but because of some other bad driver.  I need a new car in other words.

Funny story I guess, I heard Dr. Rogers I like Deanna.  There’s no disputing that.  What do I do? She’s still got baby’s daddy in the picture.  She said she just served him, so he needs to keep his distance.  Bless her, she’s beautiful, strong, smart, strong willed.  I just don’t know what she wants.  She touches me like she’s interested.  She’ll shoot those stares from across the room where we lock eyes.  She’s got me entranced and yet, what can I do about it?  Nothing! I’ve already been rejected.  Should I be persistent?  We talked tonight. We exchanged glances.  If I’m not mistaken, that would be flirting.  I like it.  She’s something I would I like to pursue.

One of the docs was texting one of the L&D nurses.  I told him today, I said, “look, I’m your buddy.  I could care less one way or the other. I just want you to watch your back.  I don’t think he thought too highly of that.  But bro’s before hoe’s, right?  I thought he’d be more appreciative.  I could care less.  His wife is sweet, he should cherish her.  I don’t want to mess up a marriage based on assumptions.  I will not talk about him.  That’s why I went to him.  I thought I did the respectful thing and what I would want done if I were in that same situation.  Did I do the right thing?

Now I’m trying to figure out what to do about Deanna.  I would love to take her out and woo her.  I know I could.  Not that I have cockiness in myself, but that I have what she wants and she has what I want.  Not exactly sure what that is, but we’ll figure it out over time. 

I would like a chance, just a chance.  I could show her how a lady should be treated. I would like her daughter and care for her as my own.  Whatever.  I keep digging a whole.  I’m gonna get ready for bed.

For the next time I write, I want to discuss Katie and what happened this past week.

0622

5/6/10 1701

Ok, I guess I’ll discuss what happened with Katie.  She called me and told me her dad was in the hospital.  He presented with shortness of breath, weakness, some right sided chest pain, and being tired.  Turned out he had a pulmonary embolism.  After some lab work, it showed he had liver failure and renal failure.  After being in the hospital, his ammonia levels rose and he got confused.  He ended up getting continuous dialysis and was in the ICU.  After a few days, he was intubated and was on three vasopressors to keep his blood pressure up.  I went last Friday and visited Katie and her dad and I told her it didn’t look good and if he pulled out of it, he’d have a long road ahead of him and his quality of life wouldn’t be so great.  A few hours after I left, he passed away.  I called out of work on Saturday and I went and visited her.  Ashlyn flew in from D.C. so we picked her up.  We just spent the entire day together, Me, Katie, Ash, Sarah, and Alex.  Katie just needed to be surrounded by friends.

I’m now just sitting in Petsmart waiting on Sweet Pea.  She’s getting her comprehensive exam.  There’s another dog in the window that looks exactly like her, except it’s a boy.  Same markings and color and 3 lbs off in weight.  I don’t know my own child L

Now I’ll discuss things that are happening with Deanna.  I screwed up.  I took some Ambien and I texted her while she was at work.  I basically flew off the deep end and confessed my love for her.  Well, it wasn’t quite that dramatic, but it was bad.  She didn’t really respond to what I said, so about an hour later I texted back and said, “you gotta admit I’m persistent.”  She said, “I agree.”  That was it.  It was horrible!  But the next day I went into work, and she had picked up a bidshift from 7a-3p.  She came bouncing up to me and said hey.  I wasn’t in a great mood. I was tired and grumpy.  I didn’t know what to say or how to react.  I just said hey and kept doing what I was doing.  Am I supposed to act like everything was all kosher?  I was hurt.  Not to be the bleeding heart kind of guy, but she could have at least acknowledged what was going on.  I know she’s going through a lot of stuff right now, but give me something.  Why do I always go for the challenges like this?  I told somebody it’s because of the thrill of the chase.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  Should I keep being persistent and show that I’m truly interested, or should I back way off and let her approach me?  Would she approach me?  When I was with Sarah and them this past weekend, I felt like I was back in high school.  Is that what this is?  A silly high school crush?  I would like to think not.  At least give me a chance.  You never know.  We could go out on a date and find out we have nothing in common.  But, she needs to get over this stuff with her ex first.  I understand that.  I have to repeat myself on this one, but how about some freakin acknowledgement?  Anyway…

I’m supposed to be leaving for Mexico Beach on Saturday morning with Mom, Monica, Gary, and maybe Jordan.  It’s supposed to be a deep-sea fishing trip, but there’s the oil spill in the gulf that’s halted all fishing.  So, do we drive east and fish the Atlantic or not fish at all?  It would suck to go on a deep-sea fishing trip and not even go fishing.  At least Jordan can go.  Mom said Monica’s girlfriend can’t go.  I don’t think that’s fair.  I understand you don’t like her and you don’t approve of the relationship, but she should still be allowed to go I think.

I’m out of things to say.  Or at least I’m out of things I want to talk about.

5/7/10 1619

I talked to Deanna this morning.  I dropped off a little cake for Dan at work because he’s going to day shift, but I saw Deanna and she just looked miserable.  I texted her a few hours later and she said she was upset because of “him.” I understood.  We talked for a little bit about that.  Nothing much or very significant.  I just want her to be happy, even if it’s not with me.

I spent the night at Monica’s apartment last night.  We watched Iron Man 2 at the theater.  It was pretty good.  Now I’m probably going to head to Costco and to the croc store.  My work shoes are a little worn out.  I don’t really need anything at Costco, besides socks maybe, but I like to just roam around there.

5/8/10 0815

I’m sitting here in the room at the condo.  It looks out over the beach.  It’s nice.  Not a bad 5.5 hour trip down here.  Sweet Pea is tired because she went swimming yesterday and then she got here and just ran free for about an hour.  Mayara came with us.  Monica is going to drop her off with some friends around lunch time.  If Mom finds out, she won’t be happy.  Anyway, I can’t wait to go deep sea fishing.  There is fishing.  That’s what I’m told at least.  I want to eat some good seafood.  We got some grills out on our back porch and I got some charcoal.  I want to eat.  I’m hungry.

I need to get nurse’s insurance.  I’m watching something on TV that doesn’t make this look too good. 

I’m still hungry.  I want to eat something like a fresh fish sandwich with lime and cilantro and avocado.  Maybe some onion too.  Hmm.  I’ve taken ambien .  I want to ensure I can get some good sleep in a new place in the middle of the day in a bright room  Some of the nurses  on this show are hott. I can’t wait to hit up the beach later…

Ambien makes me horny. 

Check lists in medicine.  On every patient, every ladsjfl a, every day.

5/22/10 0435

I have lived. I have almost died.  I have loved.  I have hated.  I have saved a life.  I have seen birth.  I have seen death.  I have seen amazing.  I have seen mediocre. I have played.  I have worked.  I have laughed.  I have cried.  I am living life.  

I’m proud of who I am.  I’m proud of who I’ve become.  7 years ago, you wouldn’t have looked at me and thought I would be going very far. 

6/10/10 0619

Here’s a little background information about what’s been going on.  Jodie hooked me up with a friend of hers who is a nurse on the cardiac floor.  We went out a couple times and things were great.  We had a lot in common and we connected quite well.  Well, all of a sudden, she stopped talking to me or texting me.  Then she posted a picture on her Facebook of her and another guy making out.  WTF?! I mean, really?!  How rude and disrespectful can somebody be?  I don’t care that she’s with another guy.  We only dated for about a week, but for somebody to treat another human being like that is despicable.  I did think she was great, but to be honest with you (whoever “you” might be), I’m glad we didn’t end up together.  Because if she does this now, what would she do if we happened to get married.  I’ve never been done wrong like this.  Maybe that’s why I’m so upset about this, but I wouldn’t do this to anybody.  I just want to call her a whore and a bitch and get it over with.  I want her to realize that what she did was wrong.  I don’t care about anything else really. 

6/20/10 0817

Welllll, I’m talking to that girl again.  Her name is Jenn.  The reason why she stopped talking to me, and everybody else apparently, is because her phone broke and she had a lot of drama going on at that time.  In fact, she’s got a lot of drama period.  But there is something about her.  I don’t know how to explain it.  Maybe she is manipulative, but she’s got something that I desire.  She’s got a 17 month old little girl named Abby.  Anyway, I have a lot in common with Jenn.  She doesn’t see it, but just her telling me about her past and who she is and how her mannerisms are, I see a lot of me in her.  We’ve been talking a lot.  I’ll visit her at work and she’ll come up when I’m working the floor.  Then she calls me on her way home and we talk some more.  I know sometimes I get a shady feeling about her.  It’s that feeling in the pit of my stomach raising the red flag.  I’m just trying to figure out what it is.  I know what’s going on in her life, but how much of what she’s saying is true?  I can usually get a pretty good reading on people, but she even said she knows how to play people and manipulate them, so is she doing that to me?  I listen to everything she says and I analyze it.  I’m just scared that what she’s saying isn’t not true, but she’s using it to manipulate people.  Apparently, she’s pregnant with her ex boyfriend’s baby.  The thing is, she asked me what sorts of red flags come up with her.  I patted her belly and said that’s one of them.  She gave me a befuddled look like she didn’t know what I was talking about, and then it came to her.  It’s almost like it took her a second to remember her lie.  I’m not saying she’s lying, but I’m not believing what everything she’s telling me is true.

I went over to her house the other night and I brought her some dinner.  We talked and she cried about everything that was going on in her life.  I took it as a grain of salt.  After that, I could tell she was sleepy.  We were sitting on the couch just chatting.  The major thing she was trying to get out of me was she I find desirable about her.  I wouldn’t tell her because she can use it to manipulate me.  I outright told her no, I won’t tell you.  After that, I ended up giving her a foot, leg, and back massage.  Then she fell asleep on my leg.  I had to wake her up about 45 minutes later and I told her I had to leave and that I’ll tuck her in upstairs.  She got in bed and said to lie next to her.  I agreed, and she said it’s only as friends.  Nothing happened, and I wanted to make sure of that.  The significance of the friends statement is that I told her I would be stupid to date her right now due to all the drama in her life, and she would be stupid to date me with all her drama going on.  I said she needs to focus on her right now and we can only be just friends right now.  I’m wondering how long I should wait though.  I would like to get to know her more instead of skirting around the idea.  Anyway, I’m going to sleep now.  She said she’s going to call me when she wakes up. 

6/23/2010

I'm watching the World Cup here at home  Not a bad game.  I actually just got back from hanging out for a little bit with Jenn at her house.  I gave her a foot and leg massage.  then I tucked her into bed.  I had planned on laying there for only a few minutes.  A few minutes turned into about 2 hours.  As I was trying to leave, she would try to keep me there by wrapping her silky smooth legs around me.  Ooooh, what she was doing was enticing.  I wanted to stay, but I also wanted to leave with her wanting more of me.  Sure she might be playing me along in this game of hers, but my guard is up. 

I can find myself marrying her.  The things we have in common now in addition to our commonalities of our past  She does have a lot of drama going on in her life with which I don't think that really bothers me. 

I know it's been a while.  To be honest, I really don't care for xanga much anymore.  It's mostly facebook now.  But I have an urging desire to write in here.  If you think that last sentence sounds funny, keep laughing because that's exactly what I'm feeling (on top of many other things).  You see, tonight was a most peculiar night.  I had gone out with my friend.  She has been my friend for many many years.  We once dated way back when.  It was awkward for our other friends because we were a group of 4 tightly bound at the waist.  We were inseparable, or so I thought.  Lo and behold, we fell apart.  Skirmishes broke out, time between phone calls lengthened, and visits soon subsided.  I wish there was something I could've done differently.  Cherished that moment just a bit longer.  Laughed a bit harder.  Loved a little deeper.  But hindsight is always 20/20.  Now, all I have to work with is the present, and right now, that isn't saying much.  Because, well, it seems that the bond that would never be broken has been broken.  I can't tell my friends my most intimate thoughts anymore.  I can't share my sill story about what I messed that day for being looked down upon.  I can't be a kid anymore.  When did this happen?  Why can't I still act like a kid?  God knows I still am a kid at heart.  I know I'm about to turn 21, but why should age depict maturity?  People get too serious because they think they're older and they have to act their age.  If truth be told, they're the ones that aren't any fun anymore.  I think there would be a lot less gray hairs if people let loose once in a while.  I was watching The Guardian the other night and there was a great line.  "Hell, I've always been old Ben. Ya' know what though, I don't mind. I mean if my muscles ache, it's because I've used 'em. It's hard for me to walk up them steps now, its 'cuz I walked up 'em every night to lay next to a man who loved me. I got a few wrinkles here and there, but I've layed under thousands of skies with sunny days. I look and feel this way, well cuz I drank and I smoked. I lived and I loved, danced, sang, sweat and screwed my way thorough a pretty damn good life if you ask me. Getting old ain't bad Ben. Getting old, that's earned."  That's exactly the kind of attitude I have right now.  What is living life if you don't really live it?  But now, what's been troubling me so deeply is what is living if you don't have love?  Right now I so desperately want love.  Not just any love, but TRUE love.  I want to find the love that will be there by my side for the rest of my life.  The problem is, how can I find that if I don't even know what I'm looking for?  You may say that things will work themselves out.  But that bothers me too much know that I could have possibly passed my future wife today and I didn't even look twice because I don't know what I want.  But let me ask the question now:  what is love?  Is it a kiss with her soft lips barely touching yours with her breath becoming your breath?  Is it a gentle touch saying you'll be there?  Is it the sweet embrace with your body perfectly formed to fit mine?  Is it a gaze that pierces your soul?  Is it your heart, letting go of all reason and making yourself vulnerable?  Or like my friend once said, "It is two hearts, beating as one."  Is that it?  Love?  Nobody can really explain it.  It just is.  So why is it so hard to come by?  I thought I loved somebody once.  I was young and naive.  I now realize that I've had friends that I've loved deeper than than.  What I had was an infatuation.  I was really just in love with the moment.  Like I said, hindsight is 20/20.  But now there's somebody back in my life.  I'm not sure what to think.  Is this love, or is it just another infatuation?  Am I just in love with the thought of what could be?  I'm not sure, but I do know that I wanted just a touch.  Just a hug.  Just another moment.  I wanted to make a memory (http://www.metrolyrics.com/you-want-to-make-a-memory-lyrics-bon-jovi.html)  Play the music video on the middle of the page.  It kinda matches my mood/feeling right now.

I think I've said too much.  This really is much more than what I intended on writing. 

Peace, love?, and happiness,

-Troy

p.s. There's thunder rolling in the distance outside.  There couldn't possible be a better ending to tonight.

Easter Joke

Why did the Easter Bunny hide its eggs?

He didn't want people to know he's been sleeping with a chicken.

BTW, i'm still in the nursing program.

So it's been a few months, but I figure I post a little something right now. 

The nursing professors are trying to kick me out of the nursing program because I missed a day of clinicals.  BIG story, no time to write it all out.  I meet with them at 1210 today to find out my fate.  I'm being positive though.  Pray for me please.  Maybe I'll write when I find out I'm still in.